Outline of Life

1. Birth

You arrive in this world.

2. What the cuss is going on here?

I lived in Japan for two years. Lots of crazy stuff happens when you're a foreigner.

I didn't have a car when I first moved to Japan. I was living in a small town with limited public transportation. A group of us foreigners went out on a Friday night. I decided I really wasn't all that far from home and could walk back. Japan's pretty safe, so I wasn't worried about walking alone. Somewhere along the road home a Japanese man pulled up next to me and started talking to me. I didn't know much Japanese, but I said in Japanese "I don't speak Japanese." This didn't deter him. He then started gesturing for me to get into the car. Clearly as an American, you know never to get into a stranger's car unless you want to die. Still, he persisted. He drove slowly next to me, inching along, protecting me from nonexistent traffic for some time. It was getting awkward, so I decided to get into the car, told him my address and hoped I didn't end up as a missing person. We arrived at my apartment and he gave me a six-pack of beer.

They have public baths in Japan. These places also offer some spa services, mainly massages. Normally a Japanese massage is done with your clothing on and inevitable the masseuse jumps on your back to really get into the muscles. It's not what I would describe as relaxing. I noticed this place offered an "oil massage." I was excited because I thought it was the equivalent of a Swedish massage. Yet, there is always some moment that you look back on and identify as here's where it went wrong. That moment for me was when the masseuse came into the locker room in her underwear and asked me why I was still dressed? I immediately got unclothed. We went into the bath together, sat in the water and soaked. She was still in her underwear, but it's a no-no to wear any clothes into the water. You also never sit near a stranger. Then she said "let's go." We went into a tiled room and I got on to the massage table. This massage lived up to its name. I was covered head to toe in oil. I was holding on to the table for dear life because it was so slippery I could have easily flown off head first into the wall. The entire time the masseuse was scrubbing my skin with what looked like a Brillo pad and kept saying "I've never done this to a foreigner. Your skin is so red." Yes, because it is unwillingly being scrapped from my body. The torture ended after an hour. I went back to lobby to meet my friend I came with. He asked what took so long. I went through the story. He said: "Well, that doesn't happen in the States."

Strange things don't just happen abroad.

I had an assignment one day to go to a funeral and ask the family for an interview. It's always super awkward, but it was my job. I approached the son of the deceased and asked if be willing to answer some questions about his dad. Response: "I noticed you don't have any cavities. Sure." Sir, how far back are you looking into my mouth and why?

I went to a job interview. The hiring manager brought me a cup of coffee. He asked me the first question. I need to stall for time so I decided to take a sip of coffee before answering. Yet, no coffee touched my lips because it all poured onto my crotch since the lid was not fully attached. I barely stopped myself from screaming in pain because I didn't want to attract more attention to the situation. Somehow I made it through the interview soaking wet. My parents called me to see how it went. I explained I poured coffee into my lap. My mom wanted to know why I would do that on an interview. I got the job.

Why I no longer answer phone lines that the public has access to: The pandemic had just begun and a women called and wanted to know when it was going to end. As if I knew. She then asked me about her school district closing. I thought I should attempt to be helpful, so I looked it up online. Then she asked me if I had kids. I said no. She responded: Neither do I.

My brother called me at work one day. It's a bit unusual because we don't talk on the phone much.

Me: "Hello."

Him: "Dad fell off the roof."

Me: "Well, is he O.K.? Maybe you need to call 911 and not me?"

Him: "I don't want to see dad dead so I sent someone else to look."

My dad was O.K. I found out hours later. At the very least alive. He couldn't walk well, so he used his rolling office chair to zoom around the first floor of the house for a few weeks. He told me later he thought the fall actually helped his bad knee. My dad called me recently and said he been on the roof cleaning gutters since he didn't get them all done last time.

I walked into the garage one morning at my parent's house. I noticed there was a raccoon in there with a small gate placed around it. I went inside and inquired of my dad why we had what looked like to be a pet raccoon in the garage? Answer: Your brother found it injured on the side of the road, picked it up and brought it home to heal. (How the raccoon got into the car, unwillingly, I might add, is another crazy story.) I pointed out that none of us has any medical skills and it was a wild animal that probably doesn't enjoy being handled. I also mentioned it can climb over the gate. No one seemed concerned. A few days later Ricky the raccoon disappeared even though the garage door remained closed so he couldn't escape until he fully healed. I really hope he made it outside eventually but occasionally my dad tells me he hears scratching in the walls and attic.

3. Death

You hope it makes the nonsense stop.